Scene
1
(Narrator enters stage)
Narrator: It’s the “wild west”. Everywhere you look, there are cowboys.
(In ride cowboys and horses; gallop around the stage.)
Narrator: And, of course, there are bad guys!
(In walk a gaggle of bad guys, pushing and rough-housing)
Narrator: And in every cowboy story, there’s a hero. In the town of Tombstone, the most famous cowboy is Lazerhand Larry.
(Bad guys look nervous, and exit stage left as Larry rides/walks in. Wild West music is playing)
Larry: Howdy Y’all! I’m gonna find me some outlaws!
Narrator: That means “bad guys” for all you city folk. And, Larry’s got a new weapon to fight with.
Larry: I’m gonna set ‘em straight with my new super pistol! (points to his pistol, still in the holster)
Narrator: But, Larry doesn’t work alone. Every cowboy’s got a sidekick.
Larry: Pancho! Pancho! Stop eatin’ and get over here. Hurry up!
(Enter Pancho, still munching on some food)
Pancho: Yes, boss! Sorry, boss!
Larry: Pancho? Don’t you ever stop eating? We have to catch some bad guys!
Pancho: (still chewing, mouth full) Yes, boss, I know. But, where can we find them, boss?
Larry: In the saloon, stupid. (grabs Pancho’s chicken leg and bonks him on the head) Where else would bad guys be?
Pancho: Ouch! (rubbing his head) Oh yeah! But, boss? Why do we want to find bad guys?
Larry: We want to find bad guys to show them the error of their ways! Every bad guy who meets Lazerhand Larry learns how good it is to be GOOD! Now, c’mon! Let’s go!
(In a saloon. Several cowboys sit around tables. The bartender stands behind the bar. A piano player sits playing the piano. 3 waitresses and Rosy, the headwaitress serve drinks. Larry and Pancho enter. The room falls silent.)
Bartender: Now, who in tarnation are you, mister?
Larry: I’m Lazerhand Larry, and I’m here to make any bad guy TURN GOOD! Now, which one of you here is brave enough to face me?
(All the cowboys in the bar stand up!)
Pancho: This doesn’t look good boss!
Larry: Be quiet, Pancho!
Larry: (a bit put off) Oh, okay. Well, which one of you here is bad? REAL BAD!?
(All the cowboys stand a little closer, closing in on Larry. Pancho gives a little scream, hides behind Larry.)
Sheriff: Wait! Stand back! (runs and pushes back the circle of cowboys; cowboys disperse) Did you say you could turn bad guys good?
Larry: That’s what I said. With my new super pistol!
Sheriff: Did you hear that boys?
(Enter Sheriff’s deputies)
Sheriff: Let me introduce my deputies: Dave, his brother, Dave, and his other brother, Dave.
Dave(s): (in unison) Howdy Y’all! (All tip their hats)
Sheriff: Me and my deputies here, we’ve been trying to catch one really bad outlaw for a long, long time. His name’s Bad Bill. Haven’t we, Dave?
Dave(s): (in unison) That’s right! Real Bad! We can’t catch him.
Sheriff: Rosy! Bring me that picture!
Rosy: (runs over with picture of Bad Bill, shows crowd, Larry) That’s him alright! Look! He always wears black! He’s got a moustache and an eye-patch. (pointing out features)
He’s not welcome here anymore.
Waitress 1: (runs in with a bill) He never pays his bill!
Waitress 2: (runs in and points to the floor) He always spits on the floor! (shows us how he spits)
Waitress 3: (runs in wagging her finger) He never says “please” or “thank you”!!!
Rosy: He’s not only bad…
Waitresses: (in unison) He’s RUDE!!!
Sheriff: Now, if you boys could turn him good, we’d be pretty happy!
(Pancho picks up a big cup from one of the tables, starts to guzzle it down)
Larry: Sheriff, I’m just the man for the job! Ain’t that right, Pancho. (smacks Pancho on the back while he is drinking; Pancho chokes and coughs)
Pancho: (coughing) Yes, yes, boss!
Larry: Where can we find this, Bad Bill?
Piano player: Check at the Hangman Hotel! You might find him there.
Larry: Let’s get over there, Pancho!
Pancho: Sure, boss, but can we eat first?
Rosy: (running after them) Boys, are you sure you can make bad guys good?
Larry: Don’t worry. I have my super pistol. It can make any bad guy turn good.
Rosy: But, can it make a lazy cowboy hard-working?
Larry: Sure, it can make a greedy person generous?
Rosy: And a cruel cowboy, nice?
(Pancho grabbing some dinner from a table)
Larry: Yes! And selfish people considerate!
Rosy: Well, I hope you are right! There are a lot of bad guys in this town! Good luck!
Larry: Thank you, my lady. (Larry and Pancho leave together)
Scene
3 (in front of the Hangman Hotel)
(Lazy Luke and Sons lounge around in front with their feet up)
Narrator: So, our hero Lazerhand Larry heads over to the Hangman Hotel. Here, Larry doesn’t find Bad Bill. But he does find Lazy Luke and his sons, who never do anything. They never work, because they’re too lazy to get a job. Now, Lazy Luke didn’t know it, but his luck was about to run out…
Lazy Luke: (to his sons) Ain’t this great! No job and nothing to do!
Lemonhead: Real cowboys don’t have a job!
Lucky: Real cowboys sleep all day!
Leftover: Real cowboys kick their feet up!
All: Real cowboys like to relax!!!
(Enter Larry and Pancho)
Larry: Wake up, you vermin! Time to get to work!!!
(Lazy Luke and Sons are surprised, get up)
Lazy Luke: Now just who do you think you are?
Sons: (in unison) Yeah, who do you think you are?
Lazy Luke: We don’t work! Tell ‘em, boys!
Sons: (chanting) Cowboys! Cowboys! Sleeping on the range!
Working cowboys! That’s too strange!
Lazy Luke: You see! We don’t work! But, we can fight! (assume fighting positions)
Larry: Oh, no you don’t! (pulls out his super pistol)
Pancho: Get ‘em, Larry!
Larry: Let’s see what you think of this! (shoots)
(Lazy Luke and Sons are hit! They’re surprised and swoon. They change!)
Larry: Now, what kind of song do you sing?
Lazy Luke and Sons: (together)
I am a working man
working man
working man
I am a working man
WORK WORK WORK!!!
Larry: You see, Pancho? Do you see?
Pancho: (looking at a restaurant menu, outside the Hangman Hotel) I do! I do! I seeeee … I see foooood! Can we go in the restaurant?
(set up a table/restaurant scene)
Larry: Oh, alright. Let’s go in. Maybe Bad Bill is inside…
(Greedy Gaby is sitting at a table with her 3 greedy daughters, eating)
Pancho: Oh my god! (looking at the food on the table, mouth open, drooling)
Larry: I am Lazerhand Larry, and I’m here to catch Bad Bill. Have you seen him?
Greedy Gaby: (between mouthfuls) Nope!
Daughters: (chanting) We don’t talk to strangers.
We just like to eat.
We don’t talk to strangers
Pass the chicken feet!
Pancho: (gasping with delight) Chicken feet! That’s my favorite, Larry!
Larry: (slightly annoyed) Well that’s fine, I’ll find him myself. But, could you give something to eat for my friend? He’s very hungry.
Greedy Gaby: What do I look like? Ronald McDonald? NO! Go away!
Daughters: We don’t share with people
We don’t share a bite
Jelly: (pointing to herself) I’m Jelly!
Juicyfruit: (pointing to Jam) She’s Jam!
Jam: (pointing to Juicyfruit) She’s Juicyfruit!
Daughters: (in unison) Now go away and get out of our sight!
Larry: (smiling to the audience, as if sharing a secret) This is too easy! (shoots Greedy Gaby and her daughters; they swoon and change)
Greedy Gaby and Daughters: (instantly changed) Have you eaten? Are you hungry? Try this! (daughters pull Pancho to the table and feed him)
Pancho: (gleefully) I’m in heaven!!!
Larry: Pancho, you stay here. I’m gonna check the street for Bad Bill.
Pancho: (mouth full) How about I wait here for you? Mmmmm! Yummy!!!
(exit Larry)
Narrator: Meanwhile, over at Bad Bill’s House, Bad Bill has got other plans…
(all of Bill’s henchmen are gathered round Bad Bill)
Bad Bill: So, boys, have you heard the news?
Henchmen: No, boss. What’s the news?
Bad Bill: Word on the street says there’s a Loser named Larry, out to “DO GOOD”.
Buck: Yeah, they say he’s got a new super pistol.
Bob: Yeah, they say he’s real tough and he turns bad guys good!
Bad Bill: So, do you boys know what we’re gonna do?
Brain: Get out of town?
Bad Bill: (hitting Brain) No, stupid! We’re gonna get that super new pistol. We’re gonna steal it. That’s what we’re gonna do!
Brain: I think we should steal it, boss!
Bad Bill: That’s what I just said! (hitting him again)
Bob, Buck: (in unison, with derision in their voices) Brain!!
Bad Bill: C’mon! Let’s go find this Loser Larry and sneak up on him!
Narrator: Larry goes out to the street to find Bad Bill, but, on his way, meets some really tough cowboys, Cruel Cob and his Crew: Kicker…
Kicker: (walks in, kicking a can)
Narrator: Cruncher…
Crusher: (walks in, crushing a ball or toy, throwing it away)
Narrator: and Crackerjack…
Crackerjack: (comes in, cracking a whip, whipping things)
Narrator: Now, this Crew is bad! But, wait till you see Cruel Cob…
Cruel Cob: (enters, with a mean look) Gimme somethin’ to hurt, man!
(Larry appears; classic SHOWDOWN music plays)
Larry: (confidently) Hey, you bad guys! What are you all doing here?
Cruel Cob: We’re gonna find us some kids and steal their money. But, that’s none of your business!
Kicker: Find some kids!
Crusher, Crackerjack: (together) Steal their money!
Kicker: Find some kids!
Crusher, Crackerjack: (together) Steal their money!
(a Lady and her daughters enter, having some kind of trouble or difficulty getting past)
Cruel Cob: (pointing to the lady) Go get ‘em boys!
Larry: Freeze! (pulls out super pistol and aims, fires at all of Cob’s Crew; they swoon and change)
Cruel Cob and his Crew: Lady, do you need some help? Let us help you! This way, Ma’am! (being very helpful)
Larry: All in a good day’s work! But, I still can’t find Bad Bill. Hey, Farmer!
(enter a Farmer)
Farmer: Sir, sir, please help!
Larry: What’s the problem?
Farmer: The rich banker, Selfish Sam and his sisters. They have taken my farm and kicked me off my land!
Larry: Where are they, old man?
Farmer’s Wife: They are just over there, sir, on our old farm! Can you help us?
Larry: Of course, I can make anyone bad, turn good!
(Larry goes toward the farm, and sees Selfish Sam and his 3 Sisters)
Larry: You there! Come here!
Selfish Sam: (approaches, with his 3 sisters) Can I help you?
Larry: This old Farmer tells me you have taken his farm. Is this true?
Selfish Sam: Of course it is true! He can’t pay, so the farm becomes mine!
Soup: He can’t pay!
Smelly: His farm is ours!
Sourface: We kicked him off!
Sisters: (together) He’s a loser
He is poor
He can eat a pig’s manure!
(Bad Bill, and his Henchmen, sneak up behind Larry, while he is talking)
Larry: This is not fair! This man needs a place to live! You shouldn’t do this to him!
Selfish Sam: I’m sorry, but this paper says the farm is mine!
Larry: (pulling out his super pistol) That’s too bad you feel that way, because…(points)
(suddenly, Bad Bill’s Henchmen jump onto Larry; they wrestle for the pistol; Selfish Sam and his Sisters stand back; the pistol accidentally goes off and hits Selfish Sam and his Sisters, Bad Bill and everyone swoons and changes, except Larry and one Henchman; Larry takes control of the weapon)
Larry: Give me that! (henchman retreats)
Bad Bill: Larry, are you okay? Welcome to the town of Tombstone!
Henchmen: Welcome to Tombstone!
Larry: I’m glad you’ve seen how good it is to be good, Bill!
Sam: Me too! Being good is great! Where’s the Farmer? I will give back his farm!
Sisters: (together) We will give back his farm!
(all leave except Larry; Pancho enters, fatter than ever, having difficulty moving!)
Pancho: Boss! Boss! You’ve got to come try this pizza!
Larry: (putting his pistol away) Well, my work is done…Maybe you’re right, Pancho!
Maybe you’re right!
Narrator: Now that’s a showdown!